The Tankster

Rose Bowl flea market was especially packed, more than usual, probably cause it was Mum’s Day. We’ve been going off and on for about a year or so and it’s always the same vendors, so it gets kinda boring after a while. There’s the knives and swords family, the everything-is-20%-off jewelry dude, and the Korean gentleman with the plants, whom we also see at the Santa Monica airport flea market. I tried to bargain him down on this 5-gallon tropical purple-lookin plant at Santa Monica once, and he only offered a dollar discount. Don’t insult me like dat! I finally got him down some more – only 5 bucks off – but at least I won. Or at least he made me think I won. The plant has really wide paddle-shaped leaves, and I see the same one at Home Depot all the time, but never one this tall. It’s possessed too. The leaves change directions at all hours of the day and night, its stems bending in odd angles and its leaves standing either upright and erect, or horizontal to catch the sun. It’s creepy.

Anyways, we had the mutt with us, and we were cruising right on by the Rose Bowl when lo and behold there was Uma Thurman, arm and arm with some dark-haired I-talian-looking dude. It was Alpha Dog who recognized her. All I saw was a reeeally tall chick in a long, white skirt and big hat. I didn’t see her face. Alpha Dog said she was also wearing shades, trying to disguise herself no doubt, but how can you not recognize Uma even under all that. She’s like ten feet tall. And very willowy. And how cool was it that we were in Pasadena. The Bride has returned to take on Vernita Green’s kid all grown up and ready to battle. Or The Bride’s daughter takes on Vernita’s daughter. Cool. Kill Bill III. We wondered how much a pic of Uma and her new man was worth. Not much, probably. I’d kill to film Brittney snorting coke while, nearby, Lindsey Lohan teaches Brittney’s kids how to smoke crack. I can retire off that footage.

We really need to start carrying around the video camera. We’d said that years ago when we had failed to capture, on video, an especially good action sequence in the parking lot of Tommy’s on Lincoln and Pico in Santa Monica. Ryan O’Neal was on a family outing with his son and daughter, and one minute they were inside at a table and we were like, oh look Ryan O’Neal and his crazy son. Then the next minute, Ryan came charging out to the parking lot with his son hot on his heels. The son went ballistic for whatever unknown reason and started in on his dad, throwing up his fists, challenging daddy to throw blows with him. Ryan just got into his Benz while the daughter tried to calm down her bro. They ultimately got into the car and drove off. Too bad we didn’t film it. The son was hopping around, all up in daddy’s face, making a huge scene. Poor dad. That whole family’s frigged up in the head. That’s Hollywood for ya. Growing up in and around Hollywood, I’ve become accustomed to seeing celebrities and don’t freak out when I see someone famous. They’re people like you and me, after all. People with fame and fortune and privileges that regular Janes like me don’t have, but they’re still people. Hell, we’ve seen Halle Berry 3 frigging times. That’s enough already. We don’t wanna see Halle Berry anymore. She cries too much. The only time I was ever starstruck was when I saw Robert DeNiro when he was filming Jackie Brown. They were filming that scene when he shot Bridget Fonda in the parking lot of a mall. He kept to himself and didn’t mingle. And I was in awe. Alpha Dog even talked to Tarantino. He’s a cool down to earth kinda dude.

Oh well. Uma was gone, so we parked on one of the shady, tree-lined streets nearby. There was a nature trail down the ways a bit but we opted for the neighborhood to check out the houses. Most were craftsman-style, naturally, it being Pasadena. Some were Cape Cod, and only one or two in the area were Mediterranean, which is a really popular style in the westside cities like Brentwood and Pacific Palisades. The attention to detail on these houses was amazing. There was intricate woodwork, mission lighting, cool covered porches where you’d want to pop open a cold beer and listen to the leaves of the messy maples trees that shade it. Niiice. Every house on the block was so fixed up and professionally landscaped it was eye candy for Alpha Dog and I. ’cause where we live, in the suburbs of the suburbs, it is the odd man out who remodels his home. All there is to look at are the plants and facades of homes that remain unchanged for years. However the builders left it when it was built, that’s how it looks to this day.

We went all the way down Arroyo and back up through the quiet tree-lined neighborhoods, and back to Arroyo again where we had parked. By then, Tank was panting and huffing and puffing. It’s usually past boiling point in the foothills of Pasadena at this time of year, but luckily for us, it was kinda cool that day. I got out his portable drinking bowl thingy that my bro had bought him a couple years back from “Life is good” and it’s a really nice one – not those cheapo kinds they sell at Petco or Petsmart. So I got pissed when the mutt put a hole in it one day when I wasn’t looking. I guess he was bored and decided to chew on it during a car ride somewhere. It was a small hole on the side and I can still fill it up, and it still serves its purpose, so I forgave him – after I yelled at him to never do it again. He never chewed on it ever again. Good dog. The Tank drank up almost the whole bottle of water we’d brought for him and was kaput for the entire ride home. He kept panting even with the air con full blast. He’s just as out of shape as we are. So from now on, during our walk-the-mutt days, we’ll keep the video camera in the car, like we had talked about ever since that Ryan O’Neal day. Being a stalkarazzi pays well, after all. Catch you next time, Uma.

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